Disclaimer: I sat down about an hour and a half ago and the next couple of paragraphs is what came out. Sorry if I offended anyone, or hurt anyone, but these are my thoughts and frankly I don't care what you think of them. You always tell me to keep an open mind, and this is just a part of my life that I've never shared with anyone, so I ask you to do the same, and keep your mind open when reading.
Have you ever felt like you had so much to do, but had no time to do it? I feel like it's the story of my college career! I don't know what college does to you, but for some reason I have all this crap that I want/need to take care of and other things still come flying at me that needs to be done as well. Even when I need a break and get a break it doesn't feel like a break cause I'm still doing stuff.
::Maybe I should reconsider my definition of "break"::
This will end of course when I die, or when I figure out a way to organize my time... freakin shiznit! I don't even know why I'm getting mad right now. On a completely off the subject note, I still need to add two classes this coming quarter. If I don't, I'm screwed for the whole year cause I'd be two classes off in graduating in four years, and then my dad's gonna go "see I told you so, blah blah blah..." I actually only hear what he has to say for the first 10 seconds or so and then I just let him ramble. Kinda like what I'm doing right now.
And speaking about my dad, he wants me to just focus on school for this coming year. He was mad one day and started rambling on about how I never see your grades, I don't want to hear PUSO this, PUSO, that. True PUSO did take a lot of my time last year but it wasn't the only thing I did, I had Liwanag too, and Days, but since he doesn't really know what I did within those groups aside from me telling him that "yes it is Catholic," he just says not to go to those meetings anymore, and goes off about it's not even Catholic, if you want to stay Catholic stay Catholic, which I have no idea what the hell that meant, other than the fact that he's insinuating that I'm in cult and somehow I've been converted to worship Jesus Christ, and that praying the rosary to Mama Mary is no longer Catholic. ::if you didn't pick up on the sarcasm there, well then good for you::
And speaking of cults, who the hell would give him even the slightest idea that what I'm involved in is a cult? Not my cult leaders of course, then who? Yes, it's true, I believe it was my older sister. Ever since the drama that happened the summer going into my freshman year at UCI, our relationship has changed. Of course I've never told her this, but how can I? She's never home! And when she is, why ruin the only moments we have together with a fight, God knows she has enough of them with your boyfriend. Anyway, so I think she was the one who put those ideas into my dads head cause I of course you know would tell him "oh yea pa, I'm involved in this really cool cult group here at UCI." Uh yea.
But I don't blame my sister, she's just looking out for me like a big sis, but she has her reason for doing what she did/said. I don't know all her reasons, but I do know a few of them, which are the ones that involve her dislike of Days with the Lord (not of the retreat, but the people). I had no control of her frist impression of course considering that I was blindfolded. But unlike me, who think that all the people in Days are open hearted, real, and hella funny, my sister thinks the opposite. Which you know, when I hear her side of the story I would feel the same way. This actually makes my sister look pretty bad, but what the fuck do you care, you have no right to prejudge her, you probably don't even know her, except from what I just told you, but shouldn't you judge for yourself? <--- And that my friends, is what she experienced; stares and looks of disdain from people who hadn't even met her until the day they came to pick me up, (sorry I can't really explain the day in question) and along with their stares came preconcieved notions to what she was like, all because of a 90210 story plot! I of course lost sight of the retreat I had just been through and felt myself casting the same stares, but not towards my sister, but at those that I had spent the weekend with, not my batchmates, but those that were there to help. I couldn't help but wonder what stories had gone around about people that weren't there to defend themselves. People that I had a close connection to, and I couldn't stop thinking about what they thought of me.
It's true that when the events of that summer took place, I was rooting for the one that was hurt the most, which wasn't my sister, so I told her I was neutral. But now, with 2 years and 2 summers to forget the damn thing, I'm bringing it back up like it took place yesterday. Maybe it's not the right time now, but when the hell is it gonna be the right time, when I'm old and gray and can't even recall what the fuck happened? I just want to say I'm sorry to my sister. My sister might not even read this but maybe she will, I'm sorry for not backing you up, only because I did what I thought others wanted me to do. I couldn't lose friends, like some other person you know, and I'm sorry for that. And for the others that had a role in this 90210 saga, the story tellers, and the ones being told the story too, not the key players, what the fuck were we doing? Most importantly, what the fuck was I doing? Back then and right now? Cause this story had nothing to do with me, or you, or the people that were told the story. And I guess you could say that this is my take on at 2 and 1/2 year mellow drama (that probably I'm the only one that still holds it close to heart), with my imput, my anger, my askings of forgiveness, and my ending of this whole fucking mess (in my mind and my heart at least).
As a cancer (zodiac sign::as a Catholic, I'm not suppose to believe in it, but, um, oh well), astrologers have said that we have great memories. Which I think is true, and is why I brought up the story of my sister. And speaking of believing, "believe in the lie," (as taken from a missing X-Files hat that I had once) what lie am I talking about? Only the lies I tell myself about believing in something that I hold very dear to me. But I don't even know for sure if I believe that. I don't think that made very much sense, to you or to me for that matter, but simply put, I think I'm believing in a lie that I tell myself about the belief I have in my faith.
What is life without faith? I think it's a life of science and hard facts, but why would God give us science if it could disprove his very existance? Why give us life at all if some are meant to suffer, if some are meant to be greedy, if some are meant to die horrible deaths? Why give us free will, if everything is predestined? These questions have only started to come up just recently with my walk with God. It's a walk full of doubt, full of questions, and no trust. I thought I was able to move myself away from those things, but in reality, I've only pushed myself back into it. I'm believing the iie that I've given to myself, and portray someone that others want to see. And I don't know where I'll end up. I don't even know if I'd be capable of taking on the responsibilty of LOG next year (and if any of you have gotten this far with my long ass blog and babbling mind, then you see why I don't open up my heart and mind to people in a conversational level, it's because I'd sound crazy, and because I guess any form of trying to explain to me from my questions, I'll take your answers and forget within a minute and be back to where I am at this point). I feel like I'm living a lie, but I don't know for sure if I am or not. I don't feel like I have control of myself. Yes it's my body; my legs, my arms, my head, but I don't think it's my mind. I feel like a spectator, watching from the outside while I see myself doing things for others and speaking and behaiving like others would want me to that I don't even know if I'm me anymore, or if the lie I've chosen to believe isn't a lie, but is true, and what's really keeping me from seeing it as the truth, is fear of what I might find.
Liwanag has been a true blessing and a blow to the head all at the same time. Through Liwanag I've friends that I never thought I would have, and have rediscovered my faith as well. But along with that discovery came doubt, lies, and lack of trust. I consider myself a pretty good liar. I'm not proud of that ::did you catch the lie there?:: but somehow I've managed to create a very big lie that has brought me to this point in my ilfe. Not that it's really a lie cause no one knows about it except for me, and God (really?) but I feel like everyone knows yet no one knows. Have you ever seen the movie "The Truman Show?" I feel like that, where everyone knows except for you that your life isn't your life, but you yourself don't know what everyone else knows because you think they know nothing.
I bring this up now because I don't know what my life is. Why I'm here, what I believe, what I see and what I feel. I don't know. Where is life taking me? Cause I sure as hell don't know where I want to take my life. I just do things without thinking of the repercussions that my choices will have down the line. I don't even know why I do the the things I do. Why I'm at UCI, why my faith is what it is, why is my family is the way they are, why I'm suppose to be leading Liwanag next year? Fuck I don't get it. And although I've always managed to hide everything with a smile and a joke, my insides are running like there's no tomorrow for me. My mind just keeps coming up with questions that I can never answer. I guess I'm broken and won't ask for help to get fixed. I should be happy to have accomplished what I have accomplished thus far in my life, but all I can do is wonder why the hell I chose to accomplish it in the first place. I don't understand... this has to end.
Have you ever felt like you had so much to do, but had no time to do it? I feel like it's the story of my college career! I don't know what college does to you, but for some reason I have all this crap that I want/need to take care of and other things still come flying at me that needs to be done as well. Even when I need a break and get a break it doesn't feel like a break cause I'm still doing stuff.
::Maybe I should reconsider my definition of "break"::
This will end of course when I die, or when I figure out a way to organize my time... freakin shiznit! I don't even know why I'm getting mad right now. On a completely off the subject note, I still need to add two classes this coming quarter. If I don't, I'm screwed for the whole year cause I'd be two classes off in graduating in four years, and then my dad's gonna go "see I told you so, blah blah blah..." I actually only hear what he has to say for the first 10 seconds or so and then I just let him ramble. Kinda like what I'm doing right now.
And speaking about my dad, he wants me to just focus on school for this coming year. He was mad one day and started rambling on about how I never see your grades, I don't want to hear PUSO this, PUSO, that. True PUSO did take a lot of my time last year but it wasn't the only thing I did, I had Liwanag too, and Days, but since he doesn't really know what I did within those groups aside from me telling him that "yes it is Catholic," he just says not to go to those meetings anymore, and goes off about it's not even Catholic, if you want to stay Catholic stay Catholic, which I have no idea what the hell that meant, other than the fact that he's insinuating that I'm in cult and somehow I've been converted to worship Jesus Christ, and that praying the rosary to Mama Mary is no longer Catholic. ::if you didn't pick up on the sarcasm there, well then good for you::
And speaking of cults, who the hell would give him even the slightest idea that what I'm involved in is a cult? Not my cult leaders of course, then who? Yes, it's true, I believe it was my older sister. Ever since the drama that happened the summer going into my freshman year at UCI, our relationship has changed. Of course I've never told her this, but how can I? She's never home! And when she is, why ruin the only moments we have together with a fight, God knows she has enough of them with your boyfriend. Anyway, so I think she was the one who put those ideas into my dads head cause I of course you know would tell him "oh yea pa, I'm involved in this really cool cult group here at UCI." Uh yea.
But I don't blame my sister, she's just looking out for me like a big sis, but she has her reason for doing what she did/said. I don't know all her reasons, but I do know a few of them, which are the ones that involve her dislike of Days with the Lord (not of the retreat, but the people). I had no control of her frist impression of course considering that I was blindfolded. But unlike me, who think that all the people in Days are open hearted, real, and hella funny, my sister thinks the opposite. Which you know, when I hear her side of the story I would feel the same way. This actually makes my sister look pretty bad, but what the fuck do you care, you have no right to prejudge her, you probably don't even know her, except from what I just told you, but shouldn't you judge for yourself? <--- And that my friends, is what she experienced; stares and looks of disdain from people who hadn't even met her until the day they came to pick me up, (sorry I can't really explain the day in question) and along with their stares came preconcieved notions to what she was like, all because of a 90210 story plot! I of course lost sight of the retreat I had just been through and felt myself casting the same stares, but not towards my sister, but at those that I had spent the weekend with, not my batchmates, but those that were there to help. I couldn't help but wonder what stories had gone around about people that weren't there to defend themselves. People that I had a close connection to, and I couldn't stop thinking about what they thought of me.
It's true that when the events of that summer took place, I was rooting for the one that was hurt the most, which wasn't my sister, so I told her I was neutral. But now, with 2 years and 2 summers to forget the damn thing, I'm bringing it back up like it took place yesterday. Maybe it's not the right time now, but when the hell is it gonna be the right time, when I'm old and gray and can't even recall what the fuck happened? I just want to say I'm sorry to my sister. My sister might not even read this but maybe she will, I'm sorry for not backing you up, only because I did what I thought others wanted me to do. I couldn't lose friends, like some other person you know, and I'm sorry for that. And for the others that had a role in this 90210 saga, the story tellers, and the ones being told the story too, not the key players, what the fuck were we doing? Most importantly, what the fuck was I doing? Back then and right now? Cause this story had nothing to do with me, or you, or the people that were told the story. And I guess you could say that this is my take on at 2 and 1/2 year mellow drama (that probably I'm the only one that still holds it close to heart), with my imput, my anger, my askings of forgiveness, and my ending of this whole fucking mess (in my mind and my heart at least).
As a cancer (zodiac sign::as a Catholic, I'm not suppose to believe in it, but, um, oh well), astrologers have said that we have great memories. Which I think is true, and is why I brought up the story of my sister. And speaking of believing, "believe in the lie," (as taken from a missing X-Files hat that I had once) what lie am I talking about? Only the lies I tell myself about believing in something that I hold very dear to me. But I don't even know for sure if I believe that. I don't think that made very much sense, to you or to me for that matter, but simply put, I think I'm believing in a lie that I tell myself about the belief I have in my faith.
What is life without faith? I think it's a life of science and hard facts, but why would God give us science if it could disprove his very existance? Why give us life at all if some are meant to suffer, if some are meant to be greedy, if some are meant to die horrible deaths? Why give us free will, if everything is predestined? These questions have only started to come up just recently with my walk with God. It's a walk full of doubt, full of questions, and no trust. I thought I was able to move myself away from those things, but in reality, I've only pushed myself back into it. I'm believing the iie that I've given to myself, and portray someone that others want to see. And I don't know where I'll end up. I don't even know if I'd be capable of taking on the responsibilty of LOG next year (and if any of you have gotten this far with my long ass blog and babbling mind, then you see why I don't open up my heart and mind to people in a conversational level, it's because I'd sound crazy, and because I guess any form of trying to explain to me from my questions, I'll take your answers and forget within a minute and be back to where I am at this point). I feel like I'm living a lie, but I don't know for sure if I am or not. I don't feel like I have control of myself. Yes it's my body; my legs, my arms, my head, but I don't think it's my mind. I feel like a spectator, watching from the outside while I see myself doing things for others and speaking and behaiving like others would want me to that I don't even know if I'm me anymore, or if the lie I've chosen to believe isn't a lie, but is true, and what's really keeping me from seeing it as the truth, is fear of what I might find.
Liwanag has been a true blessing and a blow to the head all at the same time. Through Liwanag I've friends that I never thought I would have, and have rediscovered my faith as well. But along with that discovery came doubt, lies, and lack of trust. I consider myself a pretty good liar. I'm not proud of that ::did you catch the lie there?:: but somehow I've managed to create a very big lie that has brought me to this point in my ilfe. Not that it's really a lie cause no one knows about it except for me, and God (really?) but I feel like everyone knows yet no one knows. Have you ever seen the movie "The Truman Show?" I feel like that, where everyone knows except for you that your life isn't your life, but you yourself don't know what everyone else knows because you think they know nothing.
I bring this up now because I don't know what my life is. Why I'm here, what I believe, what I see and what I feel. I don't know. Where is life taking me? Cause I sure as hell don't know where I want to take my life. I just do things without thinking of the repercussions that my choices will have down the line. I don't even know why I do the the things I do. Why I'm at UCI, why my faith is what it is, why is my family is the way they are, why I'm suppose to be leading Liwanag next year? Fuck I don't get it. And although I've always managed to hide everything with a smile and a joke, my insides are running like there's no tomorrow for me. My mind just keeps coming up with questions that I can never answer. I guess I'm broken and won't ask for help to get fixed. I should be happy to have accomplished what I have accomplished thus far in my life, but all I can do is wonder why the hell I chose to accomplish it in the first place. I don't understand... this has to end.
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