i never realized that some songs have so much meaning within the words that it's trying to convey. it can be some very powerful stuff. aww, that was fun.

what happened to me today? i felt like i totally regressed back to last year when everything was so confusing and i questioned everything about what i was doing, and what i was feeling... geez... i thought i was over my whole questioning deal, but i guess i was wrong... sometimes i think it's better off if someone else were in my shoes. i feel like instead of making progress i've totally just gone back to the way things were, the only difference now is that i can't run away, well actually i can, but not without feeling bad. sometimes i wonder why i made the decisions that i made about certain things. ::sigh::

i feel totally out there when all i really want is to be hiding behind my wall... peice of s*** it just gets me mad thinking about it, cause no matter how hard i try to revert back behind my wall and back in my shell, i know that i can't... is it worth it all? all the lies and betrayl? sometimes the guilt of lying just gets to me and i sometimes feel that that could be the sign telling me to step down... ::sigh:: i have mixed emotions about that though... this was a commitment i made, but to go against the very ppl that specifically told me not to do it? the ppl that gave me this life and everything that i have?

it's so hard cause sometimes i feel like it's not worth all the deception. but geez... two and half years? i have so many memories... made lasting friendships, and i guess those are the things that are making it the hardest to let go... that, and the fact that i don't have the heart to do it, even though i know it's wrong to be lying to them. ::whimpers:: f*** look at what i've gotten myself into... ::sigh:: i can't do it... and at times i don't want to do it...

i'm kinda scared that i've convinced myself to do something stupid... ::whimpers:: damn... i hate this!