this is kinda of a long blog entry, as well as a very random one (i don't even think it would makes sense for those that don't really know me). just wanted to give you a heads.

i once heard from someone that you shouldn't try to re-live experiences you've had in the past by trying to imitate it in the present. for one thing, those experiences you try to recreate will never equal the experience you've already had, and also because you experienced what you experienced at that particular point in time in your life because that's when you were suppose to experience it.

i always tend to head towards familiar territory when it comes to experiences; always afraid to venture out and try things out on my own. i feel as if i always need someone to have gone through things before i choose to try it out myself. and when things don't happen in just that process, i get scared... or, in my attempts to try and imitate what i've been told or have experienced for myself already- with attempts that don't happen just the way in which i want them to happen- i have a tendency to break down and give up on those types of things.

if i were to venture out with something new, i wouldn't be able to do it alone, and this shows in the things that i've been involved with in the past; that when it comes to trying to take a quote/un-quote "leadership" role in something, i need someone there to experience it with me. i guess that's just my fear of failure, and i guess i think that sometimes failing in something isn't as bad if you fail with someone else.

something happened to me last quarter that made me realize that i couldn't imitate experiences that i've had in the past. that the actions i do today will directly affect my present experiences but will never be the same as previous ones. and i guess you could say that's where i've failed. it's affected me in many ways, and i've hurt a lot of people along the way of trying to discover the fact that life moves on, and experiences you've once had will never again repeat themselves, but you will always have the memories of those experiences for which you can always look back upon.

i owe one specific person a really BIG apology. this person has put up with a lot of my crap. they've always been open to anything i've had to say, regardless of whether it was good news or bad news (more bad than good news as i look back on things) and yet they've always seemed to be okay with things because that's just the way they are. forgiving, not dwelling on the bad things but of the good things in life. my apology to this person is in response to the fact that i didn't live up to the expectations we both said yes to. trying to re-live experiences in the past had something to do with it. there were other factors as well, but as i start to think of things, that may have been another factor that lead to my decision that has brought me to this point in my life.

::sigh:: okay, i'm done.